Im Running For President

How to lose an election in 10 Days

200,000 People screaming for the Messiah, Enlightment in 24 Hours, Rock the Casbah Barry, And the now worthless Rock and Roll Vote...Plus, throw America under the Bus--We're shooting for Him to be President of the World you fool! Global Leadership swings back towards the New Failures of socialism. Good Luck Everyone.



Barry took off to Show the Middle East and Europe just how Messiahs get down. In tow he brought every major news anchor besides Dan Rather. Basically because Rather cant be trusted and he might ask a legitimate question that was not "scripted" by the Obama Camp for Barry to answer. Thats a smart move that the American people will never catch on to. Roll with the Friendlies, stick to the script.

Interestingly enough a few things of significance have happened over the past week that you would probably miss if youre caught up in the razzle dazzle of the campaign of change.

This Trip/Tour is the brain child of Barry's Top Advisers. As you know, if it wouldnt yield a serious jump in the polls they would never even bother. So now, after giving a speech for 200,000 Good Germans, Barry is left with no pint gains in the polls. How did this happen?

1) Bad Karma-Dont lie! Obama was asked by an Israeli reporter on his commitment to protect the Jewish State. In his response he claimed to be a member of The Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs which tightens sanctions and authorizes divestment from Iran. His response: "Just this past week, we passed out of the out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee - which is my committee - a bill to call for divestment from Iran as way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don't obtain a nuclear weapon," He's not on that committee--Back to saying anything to get elected

2)Try not to insult an entire culture- Obama visited the Western Wall in Jerusalem. In the background there was Obama banners printed in Hebrew. It looked like the people were eagerly awaiting the Messiahs arrival. Guess again--The Obama campaign had the banners and signs Pre-Printed and brought over there and hung everywhere. Local Police were confused because it was seen as Unorthodox and Bad Taste to bring your own political campaign signs to this event. Police stated that NO political leader has had the audacity to do that in history. This is why the crowd was heckling him. "Obama, Jerusalem is not for sale!"




3)Try Not to insult your troops when your overseas-Obama was scheduled to visit with Troops in Germany. he was told that he could visit but he could not use the visit as a "Paid Campaign Event" (after all, thats what this whole trip is).

The Pentagon said you can come, but you can't bring the media circus and you can't bring the cameras. When the Pentagon said you can't bring thecameras, that's whentheObama people said they're not going.Why bother if its not going to be worth points in the polls right? Scumbag-He cancelled the trip and went to go workout instead. Pentagon rules say that the troops can be visited with himself and up to 3 aides. He couldve went as a proud citizen, and that wouldve been the only motivation, so he didnt go.

4) Try to get your facts straight-he insulted the Air Force by saying that the weather was so bad during the Berlin Airlift that a bunch of planes turned back. Well, not many planes turned back--and the weather was bad. The pint of an air lift is to lift people off the ground. The weather had gotten too bad and planes were unable to land--You dont launch a strategic air lift when you cant land. Also said that the walls were torn down in Belfast. No their not, they are still there!

5)Chill the fuck out -Do you know that Obama has already created a "Transition Team" to help him with his move into the White House? This shouldnt be a surprise--After all, he is touring the world and addressing the worlds problems already as the President

6) Try not to Trash your country-Obama called americans terrorizers and torturers. Thanks Barry.

Well, there you have it. Our leader-The Messiah. Cant get his facts straight and still cant stop lying. The ironic part is that this whole trip didnt earn him one point in the polls. Do you kow why? Because Americans are starting to care about their own situations again. We need affordable energy, We need to know why unscrupulous lenders are always bailed out for their shady lending tactics while we pay for it. America wants to be back on track. The simple notion of change isnt making followers faint anymore. There is no blessing amongst us until our wallets fatten up.

The 60 Lies from Our Loving Mesiah

Here they are folks, the 60 lies over the past year or so from The Most Flawed Candidate in US History, your Saviour, your Messiah, Barrack "The Flop" Obama. Courtesty of http://obamawtf.blogspot.com

# 60 Obama claims he wants vigorous and open debate on the issues; goes out of his way to avoid it
# 59 Obama omits key details about the source of a false rumor re video of Michelle's "whitey" rant to justify breaking funding promise
# 58 Obama tries to deceive about why he voted present over 100 times in the Illinois Senate: Chicago paper reveals the truth
# 57 To claim family patriotism Obama says his grandad enlisted the day after Pearl Harbor; Army records don't agree
# 56 Claims race and party are second, as people feel American first; 93% block vote & Michelle's talk of "Black America waking up"disprove
# 55 On June 5, Obama stated that Israel must remain undivided; June 6 on CNN he reversed his position
# 54 To further his own agenda, Obama grossly overstates the number of potential African-American votes in MS, GA, SC
# 53 Promise of $2500 reduction in Healthcare premiums needs billions in Admin cost savings by 2012: not possible
# 52 Obama omits to mention he took a 3 week trip to the Islamic Republic of Pakistan until it slips out trying to outdo Clinton
# 51 Obama claims McCain wants to wage a lengthy war in Iraq: Video proves Obama's lying
# 50 Obama claimed he had never prayed in a Mosque; his campaign had to retract that statement
# 49 Obama dishonestly used third party comments in his ads to pump up his healthcare plan
# 48 Claims he never discussed politics with Pastor; rebutted by photo of Obama with team of lobbyists led by Wright
# 47 Obama, an expert at parsing words, claimed he wasn't familiar with the word "Clintonian"; then changed his story
# 46 Despite reeking of cigarettes, Obama denied smoking to ABC; now admits smoking on MSNBC
# 45 Obama said he'd meet unconditionally with Leader of Iran: now claims he "didn't have Ahmadinejad in mind"
# 44 Obama claims he is using public financing to avoid special interests: WSJ nails his switcheroo
# 43 Obama's rhetoric claims more young black men in jail than college: BoJ Stats disprove
# 42 Claims he never said he was a proponent of single-payer universal health care; Video proves he did
# 41 Obama claims remarks to industrialists were greeted with silence, shows he can deliver tough message: video of ovation
# 40 Obamas claim you don't rip opponents & leave on roadside:he did to Alice Palmer
# 39 Obama denies saying Indiana could be tie-breaker: he did
# 38 Obama omits that Pastor Wright led divestiture campaign from Israel
# 37 Obama claims Church not controversial; he lied since 86
# 36 Lied about intention of taking US out of NAFTA
# 35 Obamas claim poverty growing up: both distort reality
# 34 Obama denies meeting Saddam's Auchi; sworn Fed. witness places Obama at undisclosed party for Auchi at Rezkos
# 33 Obama lies about not attacking Clinton over her Bosnia lies
# 32 Obama claims he passed ethics reform; ABC News shows he lied
# 31 Obama says he's consistently opposed NAFTA; in October 2007 he supported expansion to Peru
# 30 Obama claims he's above dirty political tricks; Clinton proves he lies
# 29 Obama claims his "bitter" remarks were mangled; then repeats attacks on guns religion and angry people
# 28 Obama stated he'd stopped wearing flag pin on chest; now denies saying it, but video proves he is lying
# 27 Obama says he did no favors for Rezko;untrue; he lobbied for him
# 26 Changes story repeatedly re Rezko's help in buying mansion
# 25 Obama claims he never supported a ban on handguns; he has twice
# 24 Obama claims stays at UCC as Pastor acknowledged comments were inappropriate; Wright never made this statement
# 23 Campaign is beholden to "only the people" as unlike McCain/Clinton he does not take lobbyist /PAC money; LIES!
# 22 Claims campaign never called Canada to say Obama not truthful re wanting leave NAFTA; smoking gun memo proves lied
# 21 Mrs Obama admits she's never been proud of America; Video disproves Sen.
Obama's later claim she was misquoted
# 20 Claimed would not run for President in 2008
# 19 Claims famous in Il. for not letting lobbyists even buy him lunch; took from teachers, trial lawyers, hospital admins
# 18 Claims his parents met at Selma civil rights march; Washington Post noted it occurred 4 yrs after Obama's birth
# 17 BO claims courageously opposed war in 2002 during US Senate campaign; He did not announce his senate bid until 2003
# 16 Claims he passes tough Nuclear Law; NYT uncovers he took Nuclear Industry pay-off and watered down the bill
# 15 Claimed he didn't know Rezko was corrupt when did a real estate deal with him; Chicago papers prove he lied
# 14 Claims does not accept money from Big Oil: Real Clear Politics proves he lied
# 13 Denies using his Hopefund PAC to influence endorsers; but the Washington Post reviewed the record and disagreed
# 12 Claims his State Chair is not a drug company lobbyist; Time magazine cries Bullshit
# 11 Lies about how much he received in campaign funds from Rezko; forced to significantly increase the amount twice
# 10 Claims he did not fill out the 1996 candidate questionnaire; Politico proves he lied
# 9 Took credit for achievement of others in Chicago; resume puffing exposed by LA Times
# 8 Claims he kept no State Senate records; now he changes his story
# 7 Denies doubling wife's salary was due to becoming US Senator; omits within months he earmarked $1 million for hospital
# 6 Denied meeting Saddam bagman Auchi; now admits he was at his dinner but does not remember talking to him
# 5 Denies using his church for politics: IRS disagree
# 4 Claims he was unaware of Pastor Wrights 911 comments: NYT proves he lied
# 3 Claims his father was a goat-herd; actually he was a man of privilege
# 2 Claims not an active Muslim as child; Indonesian paper proves he lied
# 1 Claims father linked to Kennedys; Washington Post proves he lied

A Sabbatical Of Sorts/A Break from the Election

Christ! Its tough keeping up with Politics. It requires more attention and energy than my previous vice: Heroin. And all of you know how much that took out of me.

Anyways, Im taking a few days to ease my mind the only way I know how; Diving into hard core pornography and turning off my phone. With any luck I'll injury myself within the first few days of the demanding 24 hour constant masturbation ritual and I'll be forced to take a break from that too before dying from exhaustion.

If that happens, well...I'll just have to chalk it up as another Sports Injury and take myself off the roster for a few days. My trainer will be offering me sound advice over mojitos telling me to "Keep the ice on that arm, otherwise you'll never get through Drunk Russian Girls Vol. 7 ...Its a goddam 4 hour video Doug and Thats just the bare minimum its going to take just to get you nationally ranked. I'm training you to be the next champ in your field, we are going home with that fucking trophy whether you like it or not!"

I cant blame him for that disposition either. He is a professional just like myself, and theres will never be room for amateurs who find nobility in making it just far enough to take second or third place.

I'll leave you with this Political gem courtesy of James Carville "Winning is about fucking your enemies, and elections are about fucking your friends" Selah

The Most Flawed Canidate in History Part 1

How to ruin America, the new chic is fascism, get out of the way and empty your pockets...the government needs more of your money


I know what youre thinking: "Doug, you must be tweaking on good dope to doubt the Mesiah, Our Savior!"

Not exactly. I have this totally orthodox way of assessing current events and politics. I use a method called "objective thinking". Its a strange concept but this is how it basically works: I dont believe anything I read in the media until Ive been able to research it inside and out, even then I dont even form an opinion (that would be subjective) but rahter relay the facts to everyone that doesnt have the time to research things like I do. So here we go, lets take a look at what 48% (AP wire current polls as of 6/19) of America is ready for: Change!

I present you with the Obama Doctrine, designed by the most Flawed Canidate in American History. This is looking to be a 23 part series (im not kidding)Everyday we will cover a new area of interest. Todays is TAXES

The Policies that I find absolutely terrifying:

The Highest tax raising across the board in the History Of America. "Pay More, Have Less"

1)Income Tax: This will be the highest raise ever in American History and this one is a two part/Double Whammy. Obama wants to let the Bush Income Tax Cut run out and NOT renew it. Then he is proposing to raise it to 39%!
a) Personal Income tax-(I know what youre thinking: "Damn straight, lets take down the rich." Ok, no problem. But who do you think a higher income tax is going to hurt the most? Middle class and the Poor.
b) Corporate Income tax-"yeah, lets stop all those corporations dead in their tracks" Heres the thing; corporations DO NOT PAY TAXES!! If their taxes go up, they pass the cost on to the consumer by raising prices for their goods and services. So we, the consumer, will not only be paying more in our own personal income tax but the cost of everything will also have to go up. Nice!

Windfall Profit Taxes on Oil Companies-If you havent noticed we are on the brink of a severe energy crisis in America. Democrats that are sided with the Environmentalist Lobby have blocked us from producing any of our own energy in every possible way. I'll address the energy problems and costs below. For Now lets stick to the tax, I have a few crazy ideas. Im no Economist but I do have common sense and heres what Im wondering:
1)How does the Windfall Profit Tax help the big evil oil companies to produce any additional oil? It seems to me that along with the other 2,843 regulations that are put on them that a new tax would in fact increase their overall operating costs. (See above). Also remember, we now believe Big Oil is evil, well if thats true do you think that they wont retaliate if there is an unjustified additional tax put on them?
2)"Obscene Profits" is how Obama summed up the oil companies and their dollars. However, Big oil operates with an 8% profit margin. (The lowest profit margin of any industry in the world) Thats .08 on the dollar. The federal and state gas tax is an average of .18 on the dollar. Our government makes more money on Gasoline than the oil companies and for doing absolutely nothing. Do you realize that if Jimmy Choo, Juicy, or Dolce Y Gabana operated with an 8% profit margin most of their clothes would be in Walmart for $14.99 and less. So I guess an 8% profit margin is only unacceptable if you deal in energy. Lets take a look at some other Big Business in America and why we arent hitting them for their "Obscene Profits"
>Brewers-10%
>Electronics14%
>Microsoft-27%
>Hedgefunds-87%!!! Thats a license to print money. Do you realize that the top hedgefund managers make an average of $900 Million a year? Im not talking about the top Hedgefund managing companies, Im talking about Individual people. Geoffrey Epstein in Greenwhich makes 800 million a year, isnt that an obscene profit? Why isnt Obama and the Dem party going after the Hedgefund managers? Oh wait, I remember now...Its because Dems work in them and own them. Chelsea Clinton works for a hedgefund, John Edwards owns one. So I guess they would never tax themselves. By the way, last year on Wall Street, Bonuses for Hedgefund managers totaled 14 Billion dollars. Thats aside from their salaries. I know youre thinking, "But theres hundreds of thousands of people that work on Wall Street so thats not so bad. Yeah right, that 14 billion dollars in bonuses was split between 8 individuals!

Capitol Gains Tax-
Obama was asked if he was aware that raising the Capitol Gains tax in a poor economy would dramatically hurt the entire economy further. He admitted to knowing that and still sticks to his guns and wants to raise it.

Estate Tax-Otherswise known as the "Death Tax". Obama wants this raised to 40%!! So if you work hard your entire life, raise a family, and live the American Dream provided to you through hardwork and peserverance you will now (under his policy) have to give up 40% of everything (money, property, etc) to the Government just because you died. Why even bother working hard to leave anything to your kids. Heres a secret: Dems rejected the minimum wage increase for 10 years in congress when it was proposed by the Republican party. The only way they would accept it was if attached to the same bill was a hike in estate tax. Think about how Ridiculous this is.

I'll Back tomorrow with more Hot Button Issues and the Truth that the liberal media seems to be conveniently leaving out. Plus remember, we cant ever question the Mesiah, Our Savior. Please

Those sly little Polar Bears/Global Warming Update and Al Gore The Professional TARD

Hey Do you guys remember Dirk Kempthorne (Secretary of the Interior) ? Me neither! But I'll tell you who he is.

Hes the savior of the Polar Bears getting them on the Endangered Species List!!!

WoooHoooo!!

That was done because Core Ice in the Polar Regions were melting and their living spaces were becoming obsolete right?

WRONG! lets get educated first then get involved.

Heres parts from his interview on the Glenn Beck Show today:

Excuse me, he put them on the "Threatened List" first and then put them on the endangered list to gain more protection for these great animals.

But lets find out why:
***************************************************************************************
Glenn Beck asking about Polar Bear Population:

GLENN: Population has gone up from 5,000 to 25,000.



INTERIOR SECRETARY KEMPTHORNE: It has. And much of that is based on hunting has been restricted. In this ruling we found oil and gas activity has no effect on the polar bear and since 1972 we have been operating under the Marine Mammal Protection Act, which is more stringent than the Endangered Species Act. So on this ruling I simply married the two together so that the activities of those that have been operating for 30-plus years under Marine Mammal Protection Act, they understand how it works and so it doesn't change how they operate.



(Oh so, the drastic reduction in their numbers over the past few decades have been from Illegal hunters.

Hmmmm Thats not what Ive been reading in every newspaper, magazine, and web site for the past 5 years)

So im starting to get it now. Maybe Al Gore was just really misinformed. Interestingly enough Al Gore took a challenge last year as well to prove that energy conservation would be part of the solution to help slow down Green House gasses. So, he monitored his own Kilowatt (Electric use) in his own home for the period of one year.

Being the King Hell Advocate of Global Warming I bet the reduction of the electricity he used would be a monumental example for all of us to follow in the near future right?

WRONG!

His Electrical usage is up 10% (in kilowatts) from last year. His mansion in Nashville requires the same amount of electricity to power 23 average homes. ( or 230 regular homes for a month) Isnt this the same guy who is telling us all to shrink our own carbon footprints by taking cold showers, not turning on the AC, drying our clothes on a clothesline, etc? Plus he has a Gulfstream 2 Private Jet that he takes everywhere to discuss reducing our carbon footprint.

Oh the irony!!!

Links to articles
http://www. foxnews. com/story/0,2933,369084,00. html

http://www. glennbeck. com/content/articles/article/198/11539/

http://www. tennesseepolicy. org/main/article. php?article_id=764

My Letter To Obama

This letter was faxed last week directly to Obama's Headquarters

Douglas Matthew Stewart
National Affairs Desk
Democratic Preservation Society

To: B. Obama
Re: Moving Forward/Gaining Points Urgent
Cc: G. McGovern, H. Reed, N. Pelosi, R. Limbaugh


Dear Senator,

Allow me to congratulate you in advance on your landslide victory making 2008 the year that all of America was awaken by a true agent of change. This election is yours Mr. President, If I may be so bold. However, there are a few key points that need to be addressed in order to ensure this victory. I've taken the liberty to outline them below for immediate review. For better or for worse, we are in The Business.

Your opposition, mainly bible thumping conservatives, are on their last leg fighting viciously to the death like an injured badger cornered by hunting dogs. They are down to the last of their ammunition, which happens to be, running you through the mud by questioning your personal relationships with a handful of semi-politically active acquaintances. Their efforts in turn are painfully obvious to the American People that they have no where else to turn and they can clearly see the practice of maintaining division through the tired tactics of David Duke style propaganda. But so what? They forget that you are from Chicago and to make it out of Chicago politics (or in) without having to deal with the swine is impossible. Im in Chicago often and when I come home I come back so crooked that I need to be screwed down to an ECT table at Whiting Forensic for a few days, just to straighten myself back out.

They (Conservatives) claim to be the stepping stones of Democracy. Well...If thats true then you must use them accordingly..Step on them and stand tall! By the end of this year we, together, will right all the wrongs and we will run Joe Lieberman out of DC. Next year he will be working as an Asst. Manager at Circuit City and he will live out his years with contempt and disdain towards politics always reminded of exactly how he missed out when The Fun started.

I fully support your policies that will allow wealth to eventually reach the poor giving them the great chance to finally experience The American Dream. For too long we have sat idle allowing the well-to-do's to drift along comfortably while struggling young families are forced to wait two, three or even four years to obtain an LCD or Plasma High Def TV. Do you know that some Americans dont even have internet access? Its true...I am one of them. But I rest easy knowing this will all soon change. Remember that crazy Rusky named Lenin? Well, he had the same idea as you and the people built statues of him. Its never too soon to secure your Legacy. I suggest we start building Obama statues immediately. We'll start in CT. (How about one on Liebaremans front lawn!! Scratch that) Approve funding immediately. I will create the organization and line up the contractors. Do it Now. This is the most important aspect of your campaign over the next 150 or so days. You're Welcome.

Dont play the age card on McCain-Not even as a passing joke. No-We, The American People, all have one thing in common; When we see good 'ol uncle John we think "My God, He's going to croak any minute!" You just need to remind the American People of what life likes like on Big John's street: There are no kids hula-hooping or riding bikes, uprooted trees lay strewn across the roads making them impassable, families rarely step out of their dilapidated houses and their septic tanks explode flooding the backyards with excrement at noon on the 10th of every month like clockwork. Boom! A shit storm, literally. No wants to live in that neighborhood.

Side note: remember LBJ ("Lets make the bastard deny it")?? Well, if things get tough in the fast lane you could always accuse McCain of selling fat chinese boys out of the back of 18-Wheelers behind a Wal-Mart in Little Rock. Everyone knows its not true but it would make him sweat, and then he would have to deny it. The media would waste weeks on it trying to obtain proof.

Keep Al Gore away from the White House- Please. 163% of Americans believe that he is a human hybrid with the DNA of a Downs Syndrome hyena. If you see him coming turn out the lights and lock the door. Remember Halloween? No one would ever approach the house with the lights out. No lights meant no Goodies. Al Gore will eventually get the picture. Plus most of America is starting to catch on to the business side of Global Warming. A lot of us are starting to follow the money and it doesnt look good. Remember, this is the same guy in 1996 said that we shouldnt sign the Global Warming treaty. People know this now. Plus a lot of us are starting to question why the Livestock industry hasnt been labeled a threat. 18% of all greenhouse gasses (in Co2 equivalent) is created by them [livestock industry], which happens to be larger than the worldwide transportation sector. So we are going to have to outlaw the sale of beef in order to start making positive steps towards improving our great planets health. Eventually the bovine population will wither putting them on the endangered species list. Wait, wouldnt environmentalists take action to restore their numbers putting us right back to where we started? What a paradox! Disregard that for now. I will have to think about it and develop a thorough proposal. When finished we will discuss it over a round of golf. I own plaid pants and promised myself that I would never wear them unless I was playing golf or saving the world. This way I could kill two birds with one stone. God Bless America.

Zero Tolerance to Dictators/Lasers- We are moving towards high impact military lasers Miltary Laser that can melt a tank from 100 miles away at an altitude that is literally outerspace. Immediate development is needed on this technology. Once complete we can tell any dictator to cease any action by saying "Sir, your country needs to stop (insert problem here) Because I have little Sammy Hill, last years Halo3 Champion up there (point up), I dont know exactly where because his location is classified, but if you dont stop (insert problem here) immediately...Well, I'll have him melt your head." (wait for applause). Believe me, no one, no matter how evil they are wants their head melted from a laser fired by a ten year old boy in space. Todays children are Playstation Professionals and we need to invest in them as valuable military assets.

You will find that I am in fact a member of the Republican Presidential Task Force. But never mind that, Ive been on your side from the beginning and I am available for immediate hire.

Well, thats all for now. Please send money immediately as I am finding it near impossible to get by.

Yours in victory,
Douglas M Stewart
203 745 **** (mobile)
702 237 **** (office)

2008 Presidential Election According to Las Vegas

Im sure all of you know that in Las Vegas, with the right bookmaker, you can bet on anything.



I recall a strange an uneventful evening in the "home" suite of Georgie Maloof Jr. (owner of the Palms) breaking this odd news to me. So, being a wise ass, I said ok...I want to bet on the next airline to have a crashed plane with a 50%+ fatality rate.



He said no problem and made a call. 25 minutes later a messenger came to the door and offered a packet of print outs that carried all the odds, including the details you can also bet on or against. Everything from location to extent of property damage, to duration of "clean up" time--it was ridiculous. So I placed a $2000 bet that Delta would be the next one to crashed a hunk of steel into the ground with a 56%+ fatality rate on the eastern seaboard within the next 90 days. I lost the bet and I couldnt pay up, this is why I no longer go to that awful town full of vile mutants.



I seem to have gotten off track

Anyways--I got a call today from a bookmaker friend who told me the line on the 2008 Presidential Race. Dems should be happy---According to them he's [Obama] at almost 2-1 odds against McCain. I dont like either of them, as you know. I think Obama is the mulatto version of George McGovern and I think Johnny GOP is too crusty and lacks charisma. Id like to see Hilary come up from behind like a crazed murderous Batos Locos running rampart in the name of Ruben Salazar screaming "Viva La Raza" and swinging a razor sharp axe directly into the spines of these failures of Democracy. Dont get me wrong, I like Hilary even less than these two, but we cant ignore the fact that the Clintons know how to make Money. And we could all use some. I remember attending a conference where Chelsea spoke last year and that to myself, "maybe I should tag this chic" . And why not? I can adapt very well to the Clinton lifestyle. I figure they average about 12 million a year, and which i magine, most of it probably goes in the bank. well, things would be a little different if i was breaking off Chelsea on a regular basis. First I would suggest buying a small island-A spot where working politicians can come to relax and get away from it all. But of course that would be only one side of the island. The other side must be Party Central. This is where the up and coming fashion models will be flown in for massive orgies with the politicos ready to whoop it up. If we secure an island outside of US territory we can also keep storage sheds full of high powered illegal drugs. After all, the countries that produce those, are our friends.



Unfortunately when I was in the same auditorium with Chelsea I knew this wasnt the time to lay down the Game. It was 11 am and I had already finished a bottle of scotch with Luis for breakfast and I was aware that I was not completely on point. No...this was not the time to make a first impression, especially not on the daughter of the ex-president. If was going to be successful I'd have to to it straight, or after a few nitrous shots to get me goofy. Flirting with Politics and Flirting with women are two totally different things, and two that should never be combined, for obvious reasons.



Just follow the gossip--Pretty soon you'll see Chelsea with me in the South of France hiding out in a little bungalow and the papparazi's will be completely puzzled as to why questionable looking figures keep coming in the back door dressed in nothing but leather and mesh, brandishing whips and inflatable sheep.



Let the good times roll

DMS

Grim Forecast.....The Regeneration of Three Blind Mice, The Liberal Outlook and the Destruction of the Private Sector. Hunker Down & Grab your Guns Boys....Fear has been Unleashed!

I had been fighting to keep my involvement in politics, my whole life, to minimum. As a Well-Rounded Felon I felt that not only should I have no right to get involved but I also knew the dark reality of turning your life over to the Church of Democracy. Its not something that can be done halfway or dabbled in. And that issue alone is what scares me. Politics can not be taken lightly. No sir, if youre going to jump in you have to do it with both feet. Prepare to get wet, and try not to drown. And this is an election year nestled deep into the blatant reality that or economy is dive bombing. Great Americans in my age bracket are saying that this is the most important election in history. To which I reply that it isnt. No.. we have just finally been hit hard enough to realize that we are in a tough situation and there is really no solid solution in sight. And besides, you only really nioticed because youre bank account is dry and the three candidates look like they were cast for some horrible local access talk show.

Problem 1

Universal Healthcare


This is easier to address that you think. Here goes:

A) Ask Canadians about how they like their 17+ week wait to see a doctor under their Universal Plan. Ask them how they like having to drive 14 hours to other Cities when they are diagnosed with a problem that needs immediate attention.

B) Today, as you read this, thousands of Americans will be retiring from their jobs. Tomorrow they will have medical check ups and a good number will need treatment or other procedures in the immediate future. Do you want the Government to to make decisions on wether or not your retirement, life, and general well-being is worht preserving on a sliding financial scale?



Bio-Fuels/The great Ethanol Scam

Ethanol as a whole does not work, at least it doesnt work well enough to be considered an alternative. Heres why:

a) Ethanol has an octane rating of 85. You actually get less miles per gallon with ethanol/gasoline blend fuel.

b) In order to produce tons of ethanol we are converting more and more of our farmland into cornfields. The allotment for such things as Soy, and Wheat are being marginalized. So much so that the US for the first time in history has started imprting Wheat. Importing fucking Wheat!! We are the wheat capitol of the world and we have been supplying the world with wheat products and feeding every country in the world since our inception. You think the other countries of the world hate us now because of our Foreign Policy? How do you think they are going to feel once we start starving them?

c)The price of corn has now skyrocketed. Guess what all of our animals that we consume eat before they are processed? I'll give you a hint, it grows in stalks and has yellow kernels--Its fucking corn!

d) An Ethanol/Gasoline mixture deteriorates polymers and plastics. Your car is made from 90% of the materials that Ethanol is known to corrode including your entire fuel management system. Its ok though--Manaufacturers will be cranking out Ethanol capable cars soon enough (For a 22% increase on the sticker price)

e) transportation of Ethanol--It cannot be carried the same way standard fuels can be. This will call for a revamp on all trucks tankers used to caryy this garbage.

There is so much more to be learned about Ethanol and I encourage you to do solid research and not listen to the Alarmist's view points

Intereference in the Private Sector

Im not spending any time on this one. The Dems want to pass a bill that allows shareholders to vote on the income of the CEO's. Well, politics itself is big business, and the big bullies have broke their toys and now they want to kick us around in the sand box and play with ours.

The governemtn has absolutely no right to be involved in the private sector, and........guess what? Doing so violates one of our basic rights guaranteed to us from birth. Did we all forget???



Terrorism Cloaked behind the Suit & Tie

William Ayers, heres a terrorist right in the heart of America who has admitted to setting off bombs in America with the intention of Killing Americans. Later he said that "he didnt regret setting off bombs" and he felt that he "didnt do enough"

After 9-11 he sat on The Woods Fund board with Barrack. Listen up folks, please dont be duped by Barrack. He's an arrogant anti-american racist puppet being controlled by his wife Michelle. I wont get into the thousands of reasons why hes a horrible candidate, not in this blog. But I will be posting it tommorrow or the next day. I just cant believe he's even allowed in government at all. These are the type of targets that Homeland Security should have a file on and be well on there way to apprehend and detain for indefinite amounts of time.

Heres my prediction on this years Presidential Election, and weve seen this before with Reagan and Nixon;

Barrack Obama vs. John McCain

It will be a close election, but my prediciton is that McCain will win over enough Democrats (Just like Nixon and Reagan) to win the presidency. Just watch and see. Theres no way this country is going liberal when we have bills to pay.

If for some reason Barrack does win, well, there will be three things that every American citizen will need immediately; They are Hookers, Handguns, and Heroin (legalized). Its the only way we will be able to cope. If that awful dark alternate reality transpires we will all need to be heavily sedated, and being that liberal our economy will slump even more so we're going to be in desperate need of $10 blowjobs. The handguns are only necessary for when the general population broadly excepts teh Anti-American sentiment thats going to come with Obama. Do you know that even Extremist Muslim groups are polled? Guess who they are pushing for the next American Commander in Chief

I have a few friends who have the attitude of "Fuck America" or "The system [capitalism] needs to be broken down" Well Im glad you think that way, and oh by the way because you never paid attention in school im sure you didnt even notice that Obamas agenda is textbook Marxism..and oh yeah..by the way...Marxism doesnt fucking work! Remember the Soviet Union? No? Oh it was that other world power that couldve wiped us off the face of the planet..you know, it spans like 2 continents, had more doctors and physicists than all the countries put together in the entire world....uh the first to make nuclear weapons....or the first to make it into space? Still not ringing a bell? Oh well anyways, they collapsed because they implemented the same ideals that are being proposed to us by Barrack. And if that system was so great, why did every other country under the Soviet Union decide to switch to capitalism? Well maybe because they were sick and tired of there people dying in the street from starvation because the government had separate tax rates of every possible product in service in the interest of "sharing" everything.

Fuck that, its not for me. No sir--Im a prime candidate for someone who needs to be in on the "sharing" too, considering my income this year has averaged around $8 per week. But I wont let cleverly disguised Marxism be the foundation of a NEW AMERICA run by closet Anti-Americans. I am a Weapons Expert and a ranking Marksman. When the shit hits the fan, get behind me and my army of hookers--its the only way you'll make it out alive.

DMS

Lock your doors!

So only 300 days left and we can wave good by to Georgie Jr and hopefully look forward to being a prosperous, respected world power once again.

Early this morning I was driving at full speed into Babylon (manhattan) with two strippers who had been up all night crazed out of their minds on high quality cocaine and beating the shit out of each other in a $30 per night sleazy hotel room. They picked me up at 5am. When i got the call to take a ride I thought, what the hell? These are my people, bent, twisted, creatures that try depserately to be acceptable socialites and fail so misreably that the end result always leads them back to skid row, dreaming and waiting, for something or anything to happen.

I hopped into the car and put the radio to AM CBS 880. If we were going to briefly visit the land of the sodomites its always best to get traffic updates every ten minutes or so.

The girls started talking about how great it would be if Hilary was president. They were obviously out of their minds. Any fool can see that we havent had a solid presidential candidate since ’72

And then it happened--traffic-gridlocked. No way around it, no exit to get off. The shoulders were jammed packed as well. Suddenly, the girls were ripped from the car by Bear Stern’s Executives and carried off into some back alley to be violently penetrated in all orifices. I wasnt armed. Nor was I prepared to take on a gang of unruly finance people. You need high power weapons and ammunition if you plan to do battle with these brutes. As they carried away the girls I just yelled " I told you fuckers years ago to buy gold."

But i understood. If my company was riding high on the crest of financial superpower and then suddenly that wave crashed making my personal net worth only 1/10th of what it was the week before, I too would go crazy. I too would also roam the streets with my coworkers striking back at society anyway possible. And what better place to savagely kidnap someone than in broad daylight rush hour traffic.

I thought about calling the police or maybe even the FBI to report this at once. But it would only tie up my day. Plus at that exact moment the break down lane had cleared giving me a open lane to the next off ramp. So i hopped into the driver seat and mashed the accelarator. The exit ramp was a sharp hair-pin turn and the yellow signs indicated that the DOT reccomended all vehicles to slow down to 15 mph to properly navigate that turn. However, the DOT forgets that sometimes people are driving precision tuned Mercedes Benz’s and when you pay over 100K for your automobile that just means that you have bought your right to ignore all those posted signs. I took the turn at 70mph without so much as a peep from the tires.

Total control.

The S600 is truly a beast, I thought, as I headed back northbound to safety. I thought about the situation and I was glad that I didnt get involved with the kidnapping of helpless girls by obvious cannibals. Plus I had a lot of things to do today.

A dedication was in order along with a moment of silence. I scanned through the radio and found a station playing a classic that I dedicate to the memory of those poor girls

Peter Sarstedt: Where Do You Go My Lovely?

You talk like Marlene Dietrich
And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire
Your clothes are all made by Balmain
And there’s diamonds and pearls in your hair, yes there are

You live in a fancy apartment
Off the Boulevard Saint-Michel
Where you keep your Rolling Stones records
And a friend of Sacha Distel, yes you do

But where do you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes I do

I’ve seen all your qualifications
You got from the Sorbonne
And the painting you stole from Picasso
Your loveliness goes on and on, yes it does

When you go on your summer vacation
You go to Juan-les-Pins
With your carefully designed topless swimsuit
You get an even suntan on your back and on your legs

And when the snow falls you’re found in Saint Moritz
With the others of the jet-set
And you sip your Napoleon brandy
But you never get your lips wet, no you don’t

But where do you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
Won’t you tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes I do

Your name, it is heard in high places
You know the Aga Khan
He sent you a racehorse for Christmas
And you keep it just for fun, for a laugh, a-ha-ha-ha

They say that when you get married
It’ll be to a millionaire
But they don’t realize where you came from
And I wonder if they really care, or give a damn

Where do you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes I do

I remember the back streets of Naples
Two children begging in rags
Both touched with a burning ambition
To shake off their lowly-born tags, so they try

So look into my face Marie-Claire
And remember just who you are
Then go and forget me forever
But I know you still bear the scar, deep inside, yes you do

I know where you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
I know the thoughts that surround you
’Cause I can look inside your head

(na na-na-na na na-na-na na-na na na na na)
(na na-na-na na na-na-na na-na na na na na)

Missing in Iran/Help Find Bob Levinson

The Bryant Park Project, March 12, 2008 · Robert Levinson, a retired FBI agent working for a private security firm, was tracking a case when he made plans to fly to the Iranian resort island of Kish. On March 9, 2007, Levinson checked out of his hotel in Iran and climbed into a cab. He hasn't been seen since.





This week his family is marking his 60th birthday with a rally in their hometown of Coral Springs, Fla.

"We still do not have any information," says his wife, Christine Levinson. Despite a trip to Iran three months ago to beg the Iranian government for answers, she and her children remain in the dark. "They promised in the name of their religion to continue the search," she says. "But I've heard nothing."

Levinson says that during her visit she spoke to several representatives of the Iranian government, including an official from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and a high-level police officer. "They expressed sympathy," she says, "but said they had no information."

Levinson describes her visit to Kish. "I saw the hotel registry," she says. "I saw that he'd checked in and checked out." Levinson says she knows the entry was made in his handwriting. Her husband, she says, has a very distinctive signature.

Levinson says she has hired a lawyer in order to make it clear to the Iranian government that she's doing everything she can to find her husband. The United States does not have a formal relationship with Iran, so the State Department cannot work directly with officials there. Switzerland, as with other diplomatic business between the two countries, has been acting as an intermediary.

"The Swiss have been very helpful," Levinson says. "They've kept pressure on the Iranians to get me information on my husband."

Levinson isn't sure if her husband was doing clandestine work for the U.S. government. "I have no information," she says. "I spoke to my husband March 8."

She says that when he traveled abroad he'd rarely let more than 24 hours pass without being in touch.

"I heard from him every day in Dubai," she says. "I thought he'd call me from London. Unfortunately, that didn't happen."

One of the last people to see Levinson was an Iranian informant, an admitted killer, who has not yet been ruled out as being involved in Mr. Levinson's disappearance.

"I don't know what happened over there," Christine Levinson says. What she does know is that the informant and her husband met and talked. She knows that the informant was picked up by Iranian authorities to look at his papers. She knows that when the informant returned to the hotel, her husband was no longer there. She knows that the informant thinks her husband was picked up by authorities.

Life has to go on. Christine Levinson says she using an inheritance to support herself while she looks for her husband. Meanwhile, she urges anyone who might know anything about Robert Levinson or who has expertise in the region to contact the family through Helpboblevinson.com.

"Anybody who can help me, I would hope they would get in touch with me," she says. "Hopefully, somebody will have an answer about where my husband is."

Untapped valuable assets to aid our foreign policy

I know, youre thinking "Uhhhh what does Charles Manson have to do with our foreign policy?" Allow me to explain.

Since the end of World War II our country has had a hard time policing the world. We keep military bases active in just about every country in the world and we also let it be known that if anyone steps out of line we will personally bomb the shit out of them. So why do some countries still test the waters? Do they want a fight? Maybe. I think that any country that is willing to step into the ring with us is tempted by the fact that we spend way too much time discussing what we would like them to do, or trying to reach a peaceful agreement, which is all bullshit and has caused us to be viewed in a whole new light. We arent ass kickers anymore, we're drunk pseudo-bullies that got lucky one night at a party and knocked someone out with one shot. Everyone was afraid of us for a few decades after we nuked Japan but then they realized we're not as tough as we say we are.

Now that any other country that poses a threat to us can see through us like a Zima (and especially since the failed extended weekend in Iraq) we will start to see more and more countries considered "super powers" start to call our bluff. We need and American with real class. This is where Charlie Manson will come in handy:

Whether you are a fan of serial killers or not (I am not) you cant deny that somewhere before their incarceration they had to be true patriots. The freedom granted to them from birth allowed them to live out their twisted lifestyles for a certain amount of time with minimal or no interference. Incarceration has faded that love and appreciation if not completely reversed it. I think its time to harness it, lets use these monsters to our advantage.

Imagine this: Kim Jong-il builds an arsenal of nukes, we keep warning him to stop, he ignores. So we arrange a meeting with our newly appointed Secretary of Defense Charles Manson to meet with the korean midget in a neutral territory such as... well lets say Northwest Frontier Province (Darra) Pakistan--its been labeled the most dangerous area in the world so both Kim and Charlie will appreciate it. Heres the catch, we dont tell him hes meeting with Charles Manson. We send our standard government losers in striped ties and hickey freeman suits to meet with him, and as he starts to negotiate with us we just say "Hold on, were not the ones you need to be speaking with, our superior will be here momentarily"

And then coming over the hills of the Northwest Province: Thousands of Humvees driven by the entire population of Botswana (hired for $25 per person), leading the pack is a bright pink Humvee with Charlie straight-jacketed and strapped to the hood. On the roof, freshly slaughtered goats with IV's running out of there neck in clear tubes directly into Charlies mouth.

In an interview with Manson years ago he said "If i start killing again, there will be none of you left". the American public just laughed and said "Ok Charlie, have fun in your cell" and we never thought twice about it. I guarantee you would feel completely different if Charlie was right in front of you, not in prison, leading a guerilla army, and drinking goat blood so fresh that its still warm.

I guarantee the most evil and caustic dictators will reconsider their nuclear arms program if not run away from an encounter like that.

Plus, we could hire the entire country of Botswana to act as a private military for a mere fraction of the cost to operate our military. Do you know what people in Botswana are doing right now as youre reading this? NOTHING! Theyre not doing a damn thing! Theyre planting seeds in the sand and wondering why nothing has grown. You know why nothing grows? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING SAND! Do you know what its going to be in 100 years? ITS GOING TO BE FUCKING SAND!!

Outsourcing the residents of Botswana, for a minimal fee in US dollars, would make every citizen virtually rich. And we would have saved billions of dollars.

In all fairness the above picture is actually a t-shirt available here

Doomsday Vault DNA Top 5

In order to safeguard civilization and protect against world famine, in case of any global catastrophy were to happen, scientists and engineers had built a "Dooms Day Vault" to store seeds from a list of key food sources.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7097052.stm

I think we should also have the DNA from the worlds current top peeps also frozen in there. If we're going to take the preventive meausures to save and regenerate crops I think we should also have the option of regenerating the population..but the right way this time. Heres my top five of the people with real class, whom undoubtedly will have to be the basic building blocks in case we nuke most of the life off of earth. Here we go:

George Carlin-Im not going to waste time writing an explanation for this

Wavy Gravy-Only the smart will survive, various scientists from every field, and our world will need an individual that can help us get in touch with and expand on the " new non-reality".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wavy_Gravy

Cary Elwes-I dont really think that he has much to offer society as far as giving aid to the reconstruction of humanity, but I think we still all need to be able to sit around the Uranium fires roasting squirrels and debating over how to say his last name. I have my way of saying it and im sticking to it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cary_Elwes

Larry Flynt-Only because im not living in a world where we breathe sezium without good smut.

Ed Meese-If we get Flynt you have to have his opposite. This should bring some interesting stories to air around the contaminated camp.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Meese

Well.. I guess this will have to be a top six list. All of the above are going to reproduce with Kiera Knightley. A brave new world it will be, res ipsa loquitor.

Bring on the Sodomy!

This is a short book review published in a local free newspaper that acts as an "advocate" to area residents. This was origianlly written at 4am in Frankies Diner on one of their napkins. It was also submitted in that true to life rough draft format. Not one word was changed, removed, altered or thesaurusized. The hate mail from this was mind-blowing

Westport, CT writer Lawrence Goldstone's Anatomy of Deception debuts in bookstores nationwide this tuesday.

Goldstone's novel is receiving rave reviews due mostly to th how well the brilliant author has scripted pure provocation with his delicate balance of combining historical fact and fiction.

So heres the jist-Set in the late 19th centurt some chic gets a secret abortion from William Osler, a factual person named "The Father of Modern Medicine". Then she is poisoned as a cover-up for fear that these taboo actions will destroy the reputation of the ever advancing medical community.

http://www.medicalarchives.jhmi.edu/osler/biography.htm

In order to continue entertaining Americans through literature the growing trend seems to summarized in a very basic fool proof outline. Find a real historical figure with impeccable reputation, add lies, and attempt to defame. Simple enough...If I had been privy to this inside tip I couldve had quite a few best selling books to date.

The style of this book seems awfully familiar. Where have I read something like this? Oh wait, its just like that god awful abomination that Dan Browne gave birth to, The Davinci Code. Historical Suspense Fiction--Its perfect for Americans that read two books in their depraved lives. After reading Holy Blood, Holy Grail I was convinced that The DaVinci Code would be impossible to give away free of charge. Oh well, I cant stop "The Combine" from manufacturing a new army of marginally acceptable losers that are the target market for books like these.

How long until we are all brainwashed simpletons? Cattle, even though bipeds, we will all soon be.

But no matter what I say about this bookpeople will still probably line up to buy it and within a few years it will have inspired someone to turn it into a screenplay. Then we're fucked. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the beginning of Goons, Rednecks, one armed laborers, janitors and closet pedorists to be able to freely throw about the expression "The book was better" 1-upping someone who is actually significantly less refined than they are.

So in hopes of being recognized as worthy contributor to the literary world the only viable solution at this point is to leave it. Leave it for a job mopping school hallways while jingling a large group of keys and humming to myself to pass the time. Then and only then can I live up to my aspirations and really make a lasting impression on this society of robots. Because in just a few short years, if we continue along this path, janitors will be the shamans of our society. Gurus, plain and simple.

Remember Lawrence, just because you can slip The DaVinci Code a rufie, dress it in black leather and videotape your brutal acts of sodomy, doesnt mean the whole world wants to see the footage.

DMS

Who Doesnt Love a Shootout in their backyard?

I always thought Thursdays were fairly boring. Most of my peer try to combat this by starting their weekends early and causing minimal brain damage through alcohol consumption. However, last thursday was pretty awesome...check it out

http://www.ct.gov/dps/cwp/view.asp?A=11&Q=405060

http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=7807119

So im home ignoring everyone in the world when all of the sudden a hell of a comotion arises outside. I open my window and there are 12 or so police officers running by with guns drawn and yelling. Im pumped, I think they may be coming for me and I can finally stop worrying about my deliquent bills. So, i immediately go outside to offer myself up as an easy bounty only to realize there is something more important going on. As they run by I ask "whats going on on""Get back in your house" one of the 13 year old cops said To which I responded "F*ck off you villanous swine! Im an American, I pay your damn salary! Plus youre probably going to need my help anyways."At that point I was threatened with arrest if I didnt return to my home. Luckily my house was technically the scene of the crime. As the report states the incident was at Success and Granfield, and as most of you know that is my address. I consider it my corner and I hold it down harder than a rape victim. Feeling defeated by Johnny Law I figured i could retire to my bedroom and harass the badges from my window. After all, most were standing just a few feet from my window anyways.So I opened the window and barked out "Get off my lawn!" and snapped the window closed, waited a few minutes and then opened it again and called them "uniformed gang members" and so .. an hour or so I lost interest and Willie had just fought his way around the roadblocks to get to my building. I suggested that we leave at once, ditch any weapons, and go view trashy strippers at Shakers. See this poor guys life had come to a sudden and suprising end, tragically. Out of basic consideration I thought it was fitting to slow the eveneing down and watch people whos lives would still turn tragic but on a much slower path to their miserable demise.When Willie asked me why, instead of getting into a lengthy explanation, I just said, "Its the right thing to do"

Super Duped Tuesday

So this is what its come to, almost a full year of insanely boring minute by minute coverage of what the candidates will be wearing, having for lunch, and so on. Ive done a great job of staying far away from politics ever since grade school but I have to admit that the thought of finally being able to dismiss the bumbling redneck from office gets me awfully excited. For the first time in my life the Bush adminstration has done nothing more for me than make me embarassed to be an American. Before our nation of god fearing incest-bred derelict population banded together, accepted their free toaster ovens in return for votes, and put him into office I use to hold my head high in all other foreign countries. Proud, and "yes sir I will answer any questions you may have about my great nation." Sadly those days have been on sabatacle only to return once the moron has been removed.

Most of the people interviewed during the primaries are quoted as saying this is "the most important election in their life" And if this is true I think we should implement some new requirements to make it not only more interesting but to also add challenges that will really show us who is really full of the true grit needed to lead our great country. For example, instead of just sodomizing the romantic areas of our brains with speaking well and answering questions any 7th grader can answer, I feel that after every sppeech or debate the candidates should ahve to partake in some sort of physical challenge. Remember the game show "Double Dare"? One of the most popular events was that the contestant had to don clown pants and attempt to catch cream pies in those clown pants while his/her partner launched pies from a catapult across the studio. Or how about American Gladiator with that giant Q-Tip Joust on raised pedestals? I just think this is still our country, and we can decide the prerequisites to be our leader at anytime. Shit, these events could be done strictly on pay-per-view and caring citizens can pay to watch this battle. Hell, the money from the pay-per-view revenue can go right back into their (the candidates) campaign fund. Maybe this will slow them from lobbying with white collar criminals to obtain the greenbacks they desperately need.

I thought it should be my duty to catch up with voters in Bridgeport, CT. to see where people stood and hopefully they could share with me their sincerest thoughts on the candidates and where their loyalties lie.

Of course when i reached the voting site it wasnt yet open because the janitor was late with the keys. This was off to a good start. I looked around at the growing crowd and started to find my targets. The first was a women of 50 wearing a pant suit by Lepore and no jewelry except for a cartier watch. I took off my bandana, extinguished my cigarette..

DMS: "Excuse me Mrs. Can I ask you a quick question about your toughts on the primaries?"

Women: "Of course, are you a reporter?"

DMS: "Something like that, Whos got your vote, the minority or thunder thighs?"

Women: giggles "Im going with Obama."

DMS: "So even after it was reported that he was a closet nudist and possible violator of farm animals through forced fellatio youre still going to look past his personal interests and hobbies and just vote according to basic leadership? Thats very noble of you Ma'am. I wish all Americans were as opended minded as you."

So she stomped off just as the doors were opening and went straight to a security guard to report my weird behavior. I needed the facts but it was best that I leave. And quickly. After all, I am a convicted felon and anymore arrests this year will definitely result in a lengthy prison term. Im just not ready to be violated everyday. If I had desired that result I would just get married.

All in all I believe that we should eliminate the role of "President" in our country's government. Im sure we can list any possible presidential decision on a giant wheel and give it a spin. It would eliminate the possibility of any scandal and we would all have some fun n the process. Most of us will get old, really sick, and then croak. Thats pretty serious. I think its time to integrate a little fun and adventure into all aspects of life. Right? Dont we owe it to ourselves?

Luca DeSoto and EL Burrito de Muerte

"Yuri, come here you fucking Communist. How do you spell your last name?" I belt out after slugging an espresso.
Yuri pops his head into my room, "Is very diffeecul, maybe i had written on a piece of note paper for you"
"No need, dont trouble yourself. How did you get in here anyways?" and following under my breath "I need better locks"
We were going to lunch in honor of Luca at his favorite shit hole of a place to devour el burrito de muerte. Luca named it this after successfully elimiating three of them and then driving himself directly to the hospital. He couldnt stand up straight and was hallucinating like he had eaten three peyote buttons instead of three burritos. They popped him with some hybrid of morphine and hung him upside in a broom closet in the maternity ward and janitors and other nurses coming off of break were allowed to enter the room and kick him in the face. of course they were ordered to stop administering this treatment just as soon as he stopped hallucinating. Of course to Luca, this was all very real. Even if it didnt happen. "Fucking tarantulas man!! they came out of my palms, i felt them chewing there way out....it sounded like the ripping of an old cotton shirt into household rags...oh it was slow.....it still echoes in my head, that sound." and whenever he revisited the memory he would glance down at his palms, just for a split second. I always wondered if it was real.
Most of what I remember of Luca is blurred. One thing that sticks out is the childhood picture he had framed at his house and a duplicate was also on his mothers mantle. She thought it was adorable but most people thought it was creepy. I appreciated it because I understood.
The picture was of Luca at around 4 years of age smiling carelessly in his pajamas with built in feet. His hair is sticking up in all directions and even though the smile pushed the limits of his small face and looked like it might just crack his entire head in half horizontally there was a touch of serenity beaming out of his eyes. He was holding a Big Bird doll, the body was in his right hand and the head was in the left. He had woken up that morning and decided to decapitate it. This is waht people find creepy about the picture. But I understand Luca. He feared Big Bird from the TV and then somehow ended up with that doll. As afraid as he was he wouldnt let the fear of this thing control him. He attacked and assasinated this one symbol that created uneasy feelings. And that was Luca's personality to a tee. With other children the doll wouldve been thrown into an attic and sold at atag sale. He wouldnt let the fucking bird getaway that easy. And as long as ive known him he never had a problem admitting fear, because when he did, you can be sure taht whatever had created that feeling would soon cease to exist.
Upon our arrival Yuri slams his car door and catches the seatbelt in the door. It lays open and I notice it as we make our way into this dive restaurant. I mention this to which he replies"Fucked it! i leave the keys inside too. I wish someone could just decide to take, then i can get a new car"
As we sat in at the table closest to the kitchen I asked "Do you know anything about what happened?"
"All i have been told is that he is presumed death" pursing his lips tightly and then nervous fidgetting and grabbing a napkin to tear into a million tiny shreds.
"He probably is" i said an looked up and hailed the waitress.
I shared with Yuri one of the funniest memories of Luca; Late afternoon one spring day when we were all completely comforatble with our boredom Luca reaches into his pocket and pulls out the "rising sun" headband. Almost identical to the one worn by Ralph Machio in "The Karate Kid" He put it on and I could tell taht he instantly felt like a master of martial arts. A moment later he flicked a pill off of his thumb nail and while it was airborn directly above his head whipped out his pocket knife and opened it. Just as the blade clicked open his left hand snagged the pill out of the air and he slammed it on the table. Using the flat side of the blade he crushed it in one shot withthe aid of his left hand fist slamming down on the blade almost breaking the table. Then scooping up the contents and going directly to his right nostril. Minutes later he stood up and caught himself in the mirror andwas shocked to see this headband on his head. He said, "I must start my training" and ran directly out the front door onto the beach and ran straight for one of the wooden columns that stood out of the water at low tide. I followed outside because there was no way I was going to miss this. Bythe time i got out there he was on the wooden column/post. and yes, in the crane kick position, arms up and curved like a seagull catching a wicked updraft and one leg up creating a perfect 90 degree angle. He was excited to show me what he had learned in this 40-60 seconds of training he had before i came out. As he executed the crane kick his left foot came down, losts its grip which sent him sharply sideways and causing his left arm to take all of his body weight ont this pillar. and flopped into the water like a sedated downs syndrome boy. He floated on his back and I said "Look at you, you dumb fuck...Im not saving you, you better hope the coast guard rolls by." without missing a beat he says "my wrist is cracked in a few places...leave me, the tide will wash me ashore eventually! give me a cigarette, thats all i ask!" and belted it out like a falsely imprisoned man demanding justice through an appeal taht never really had any confidence in his attorney.....
Luca did eventually wash ashore some time later. We watched from the beach as the tide pushed him back and forth in a steady rythym. As he rolled over on the sand he used his good wrist to lift himself erect. He trotted up to myself and Yuri and said "that took forever, I thought i was.....Holy shit!!! I hate pitbulls!! get them away!!!" and he moved behind me, it was safe to say the mescaline had kciked in. I told him we need to go the hospital to get his arm set in a cast and asked him if he wanted to take off the headband to which he replied "No, I need the staff to truly understand what happened."
Waiting on on orders of the Burritoes of Death Yuri chimed in-"And you remember what he did to me on the way home?"
Of course i did. Even though the scar was small it still was the most prevalent feature on Yuri's face. He was very fortunate for that, it gave him character.
The food came and we laughed. Avery's name was mentioned because we didnt know where he was either. We specualted that they must be together living out there one common belief that they must always risk personal safety in order to make a life a little more interesting to all of us zombies.
After the first antic of Luca that I witnessed I was shocked and said "What teh fuck are you doing?"
In which he replied with a long silent grin "salt and pepper, just adding a little salt and pepper, you know...adding a touch of flavor to life."
And that was his purpose