In order to safeguard civilization and protect against world famine, in case of any global catastrophy were to happen, scientists and engineers had built a "Dooms Day Vault" to store seeds from a list of key food sources.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7097052.stm
I think we should also have the DNA from the worlds current top peeps also frozen in there. If we're going to take the preventive meausures to save and regenerate crops I think we should also have the option of regenerating the population..but the right way this time. Heres my top five of the people with real class, whom undoubtedly will have to be the basic building blocks in case we nuke most of the life off of earth. Here we go:
George Carlin-Im not going to waste time writing an explanation for this
Wavy Gravy-Only the smart will survive, various scientists from every field, and our world will need an individual that can help us get in touch with and expand on the " new non-reality".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wavy_Gravy
Cary Elwes-I dont really think that he has much to offer society as far as giving aid to the reconstruction of humanity, but I think we still all need to be able to sit around the Uranium fires roasting squirrels and debating over how to say his last name. I have my way of saying it and im sticking to it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cary_Elwes
Larry Flynt-Only because im not living in a world where we breathe sezium without good smut.
Ed Meese-If we get Flynt you have to have his opposite. This should bring some interesting stories to air around the contaminated camp.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Meese
Well.. I guess this will have to be a top six list. All of the above are going to reproduce with Kiera Knightley. A brave new world it will be, res ipsa loquitor.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Bring on the Sodomy!
This is a short book review published in a local free newspaper that acts as an "advocate" to area residents. This was origianlly written at 4am in Frankies Diner on one of their napkins. It was also submitted in that true to life rough draft format. Not one word was changed, removed, altered or thesaurusized. The hate mail from this was mind-blowing
Westport, CT writer Lawrence Goldstone's Anatomy of Deception debuts in bookstores nationwide this tuesday.
Goldstone's novel is receiving rave reviews due mostly to th how well the brilliant author has scripted pure provocation with his delicate balance of combining historical fact and fiction.
So heres the jist-Set in the late 19th centurt some chic gets a secret abortion from William Osler, a factual person named "The Father of Modern Medicine". Then she is poisoned as a cover-up for fear that these taboo actions will destroy the reputation of the ever advancing medical community.
In order to continue entertaining Americans through literature the growing trend seems to summarized in a very basic fool proof outline. Find a real historical figure with impeccable reputation, add lies, and attempt to defame. Simple enough...If I had been privy to this inside tip I couldve had quite a few best selling books to date.
The style of this book seems awfully familiar. Where have I read something like this? Oh wait, its just like that god awful abomination that Dan Browne gave birth to, The Davinci Code. Historical Suspense Fiction--Its perfect for Americans that read two books in their depraved lives. After reading Holy Blood, Holy Grail I was convinced that The DaVinci Code would be impossible to give away free of charge. Oh well, I cant stop "The Combine" from manufacturing a new army of marginally acceptable losers that are the target market for books like these.
How long until we are all brainwashed simpletons? Cattle, even though bipeds, we will all soon be.
But no matter what I say about this bookpeople will still probably line up to buy it and within a few years it will have inspired someone to turn it into a screenplay. Then we're fucked. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the beginning of Goons, Rednecks, one armed laborers, janitors and closet pedorists to be able to freely throw about the expression "The book was better" 1-upping someone who is actually significantly less refined than they are.
So in hopes of being recognized as worthy contributor to the literary world the only viable solution at this point is to leave it. Leave it for a job mopping school hallways while jingling a large group of keys and humming to myself to pass the time. Then and only then can I live up to my aspirations and really make a lasting impression on this society of robots. Because in just a few short years, if we continue along this path, janitors will be the shamans of our society. Gurus, plain and simple.
Remember Lawrence, just because you can slip The DaVinci Code a rufie, dress it in black leather and videotape your brutal acts of sodomy, doesnt mean the whole world wants to see the footage.
DMS
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Who Doesnt Love a Shootout in their backyard?
I always thought Thursdays were fairly boring. Most of my peer try to combat this by starting their weekends early and causing minimal brain damage through alcohol consumption. However, last thursday was pretty awesome...check it out
http://www.ct.gov/dps/cwp/view.asp?A=11&Q=405060
http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=7807119
So im home ignoring everyone in the world when all of the sudden a hell of a comotion arises outside. I open my window and there are 12 or so police officers running by with guns drawn and yelling. Im pumped, I think they may be coming for me and I can finally stop worrying about my deliquent bills. So, i immediately go outside to offer myself up as an easy bounty only to realize there is something more important going on. As they run by I ask "whats going on on""Get back in your house" one of the 13 year old cops said To which I responded "F*ck off you villanous swine! Im an American, I pay your damn salary! Plus youre probably going to need my help anyways."At that point I was threatened with arrest if I didnt return to my home. Luckily my house was technically the scene of the crime. As the report states the incident was at Success and Granfield, and as most of you know that is my address. I consider it my corner and I hold it down harder than a rape victim. Feeling defeated by Johnny Law I figured i could retire to my bedroom and harass the badges from my window. After all, most were standing just a few feet from my window anyways.So I opened the window and barked out "Get off my lawn!" and snapped the window closed, waited a few minutes and then opened it again and called them "uniformed gang members" and so .. an hour or so I lost interest and Willie had just fought his way around the roadblocks to get to my building. I suggested that we leave at once, ditch any weapons, and go view trashy strippers at Shakers. See this poor guys life had come to a sudden and suprising end, tragically. Out of basic consideration I thought it was fitting to slow the eveneing down and watch people whos lives would still turn tragic but on a much slower path to their miserable demise.When Willie asked me why, instead of getting into a lengthy explanation, I just said, "Its the right thing to do"
http://www.ct.gov/dps/cwp/view.asp?A=11&Q=405060
http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=7807119
So im home ignoring everyone in the world when all of the sudden a hell of a comotion arises outside. I open my window and there are 12 or so police officers running by with guns drawn and yelling. Im pumped, I think they may be coming for me and I can finally stop worrying about my deliquent bills. So, i immediately go outside to offer myself up as an easy bounty only to realize there is something more important going on. As they run by I ask "whats going on on""Get back in your house" one of the 13 year old cops said To which I responded "F*ck off you villanous swine! Im an American, I pay your damn salary! Plus youre probably going to need my help anyways."At that point I was threatened with arrest if I didnt return to my home. Luckily my house was technically the scene of the crime. As the report states the incident was at Success and Granfield, and as most of you know that is my address. I consider it my corner and I hold it down harder than a rape victim. Feeling defeated by Johnny Law I figured i could retire to my bedroom and harass the badges from my window. After all, most were standing just a few feet from my window anyways.So I opened the window and barked out "Get off my lawn!" and snapped the window closed, waited a few minutes and then opened it again and called them "uniformed gang members" and so .. an hour or so I lost interest and Willie had just fought his way around the roadblocks to get to my building. I suggested that we leave at once, ditch any weapons, and go view trashy strippers at Shakers. See this poor guys life had come to a sudden and suprising end, tragically. Out of basic consideration I thought it was fitting to slow the eveneing down and watch people whos lives would still turn tragic but on a much slower path to their miserable demise.When Willie asked me why, instead of getting into a lengthy explanation, I just said, "Its the right thing to do"
Super Duped Tuesday
So this is what its come to, almost a full year of insanely boring minute by minute coverage of what the candidates will be wearing, having for lunch, and so on. Ive done a great job of staying far away from politics ever since grade school but I have to admit that the thought of finally being able to dismiss the bumbling redneck from office gets me awfully excited. For the first time in my life the Bush adminstration has done nothing more for me than make me embarassed to be an American. Before our nation of god fearing incest-bred derelict population banded together, accepted their free toaster ovens in return for votes, and put him into office I use to hold my head high in all other foreign countries. Proud, and "yes sir I will answer any questions you may have about my great nation." Sadly those days have been on sabatacle only to return once the moron has been removed.
Most of the people interviewed during the primaries are quoted as saying this is "the most important election in their life" And if this is true I think we should implement some new requirements to make it not only more interesting but to also add challenges that will really show us who is really full of the true grit needed to lead our great country. For example, instead of just sodomizing the romantic areas of our brains with speaking well and answering questions any 7th grader can answer, I feel that after every sppeech or debate the candidates should ahve to partake in some sort of physical challenge. Remember the game show "Double Dare"? One of the most popular events was that the contestant had to don clown pants and attempt to catch cream pies in those clown pants while his/her partner launched pies from a catapult across the studio. Or how about American Gladiator with that giant Q-Tip Joust on raised pedestals? I just think this is still our country, and we can decide the prerequisites to be our leader at anytime. Shit, these events could be done strictly on pay-per-view and caring citizens can pay to watch this battle. Hell, the money from the pay-per-view revenue can go right back into their (the candidates) campaign fund. Maybe this will slow them from lobbying with white collar criminals to obtain the greenbacks they desperately need.
I thought it should be my duty to catch up with voters in Bridgeport, CT. to see where people stood and hopefully they could share with me their sincerest thoughts on the candidates and where their loyalties lie.
Of course when i reached the voting site it wasnt yet open because the janitor was late with the keys. This was off to a good start. I looked around at the growing crowd and started to find my targets. The first was a women of 50 wearing a pant suit by Lepore and no jewelry except for a cartier watch. I took off my bandana, extinguished my cigarette..
DMS: "Excuse me Mrs. Can I ask you a quick question about your toughts on the primaries?"
Women: "Of course, are you a reporter?"
DMS: "Something like that, Whos got your vote, the minority or thunder thighs?"
Women: giggles "Im going with Obama."
DMS: "So even after it was reported that he was a closet nudist and possible violator of farm animals through forced fellatio youre still going to look past his personal interests and hobbies and just vote according to basic leadership? Thats very noble of you Ma'am. I wish all Americans were as opended minded as you."
So she stomped off just as the doors were opening and went straight to a security guard to report my weird behavior. I needed the facts but it was best that I leave. And quickly. After all, I am a convicted felon and anymore arrests this year will definitely result in a lengthy prison term. Im just not ready to be violated everyday. If I had desired that result I would just get married.
All in all I believe that we should eliminate the role of "President" in our country's government. Im sure we can list any possible presidential decision on a giant wheel and give it a spin. It would eliminate the possibility of any scandal and we would all have some fun n the process. Most of us will get old, really sick, and then croak. Thats pretty serious. I think its time to integrate a little fun and adventure into all aspects of life. Right? Dont we owe it to ourselves?
Luca DeSoto and EL Burrito de Muerte
"Yuri, come here you fucking Communist. How do you spell your last name?" I belt out after slugging an espresso.
Yuri pops his head into my room, "Is very diffeecul, maybe i had written on a piece of note paper for you"
"No need, dont trouble yourself. How did you get in here anyways?" and following under my breath "I need better locks"
We were going to lunch in honor of Luca at his favorite shit hole of a place to devour el burrito de muerte. Luca named it this after successfully elimiating three of them and then driving himself directly to the hospital. He couldnt stand up straight and was hallucinating like he had eaten three peyote buttons instead of three burritos. They popped him with some hybrid of morphine and hung him upside in a broom closet in the maternity ward and janitors and other nurses coming off of break were allowed to enter the room and kick him in the face. of course they were ordered to stop administering this treatment just as soon as he stopped hallucinating. Of course to Luca, this was all very real. Even if it didnt happen. "Fucking tarantulas man!! they came out of my palms, i felt them chewing there way out....it sounded like the ripping of an old cotton shirt into household rags...oh it was slow.....it still echoes in my head, that sound." and whenever he revisited the memory he would glance down at his palms, just for a split second. I always wondered if it was real.
Most of what I remember of Luca is blurred. One thing that sticks out is the childhood picture he had framed at his house and a duplicate was also on his mothers mantle. She thought it was adorable but most people thought it was creepy. I appreciated it because I understood.
The picture was of Luca at around 4 years of age smiling carelessly in his pajamas with built in feet. His hair is sticking up in all directions and even though the smile pushed the limits of his small face and looked like it might just crack his entire head in half horizontally there was a touch of serenity beaming out of his eyes. He was holding a Big Bird doll, the body was in his right hand and the head was in the left. He had woken up that morning and decided to decapitate it. This is waht people find creepy about the picture. But I understand Luca. He feared Big Bird from the TV and then somehow ended up with that doll. As afraid as he was he wouldnt let the fear of this thing control him. He attacked and assasinated this one symbol that created uneasy feelings. And that was Luca's personality to a tee. With other children the doll wouldve been thrown into an attic and sold at atag sale. He wouldnt let the fucking bird getaway that easy. And as long as ive known him he never had a problem admitting fear, because when he did, you can be sure taht whatever had created that feeling would soon cease to exist.
Upon our arrival Yuri slams his car door and catches the seatbelt in the door. It lays open and I notice it as we make our way into this dive restaurant. I mention this to which he replies"Fucked it! i leave the keys inside too. I wish someone could just decide to take, then i can get a new car"
As we sat in at the table closest to the kitchen I asked "Do you know anything about what happened?"
"All i have been told is that he is presumed death" pursing his lips tightly and then nervous fidgetting and grabbing a napkin to tear into a million tiny shreds.
"He probably is" i said an looked up and hailed the waitress.
I shared with Yuri one of the funniest memories of Luca; Late afternoon one spring day when we were all completely comforatble with our boredom Luca reaches into his pocket and pulls out the "rising sun" headband. Almost identical to the one worn by Ralph Machio in "The Karate Kid" He put it on and I could tell taht he instantly felt like a master of martial arts. A moment later he flicked a pill off of his thumb nail and while it was airborn directly above his head whipped out his pocket knife and opened it. Just as the blade clicked open his left hand snagged the pill out of the air and he slammed it on the table. Using the flat side of the blade he crushed it in one shot withthe aid of his left hand fist slamming down on the blade almost breaking the table. Then scooping up the contents and going directly to his right nostril. Minutes later he stood up and caught himself in the mirror andwas shocked to see this headband on his head. He said, "I must start my training" and ran directly out the front door onto the beach and ran straight for one of the wooden columns that stood out of the water at low tide. I followed outside because there was no way I was going to miss this. Bythe time i got out there he was on the wooden column/post. and yes, in the crane kick position, arms up and curved like a seagull catching a wicked updraft and one leg up creating a perfect 90 degree angle. He was excited to show me what he had learned in this 40-60 seconds of training he had before i came out. As he executed the crane kick his left foot came down, losts its grip which sent him sharply sideways and causing his left arm to take all of his body weight ont this pillar. and flopped into the water like a sedated downs syndrome boy. He floated on his back and I said "Look at you, you dumb fuck...Im not saving you, you better hope the coast guard rolls by." without missing a beat he says "my wrist is cracked in a few places...leave me, the tide will wash me ashore eventually! give me a cigarette, thats all i ask!" and belted it out like a falsely imprisoned man demanding justice through an appeal taht never really had any confidence in his attorney.....
Luca did eventually wash ashore some time later. We watched from the beach as the tide pushed him back and forth in a steady rythym. As he rolled over on the sand he used his good wrist to lift himself erect. He trotted up to myself and Yuri and said "that took forever, I thought i was.....Holy shit!!! I hate pitbulls!! get them away!!!" and he moved behind me, it was safe to say the mescaline had kciked in. I told him we need to go the hospital to get his arm set in a cast and asked him if he wanted to take off the headband to which he replied "No, I need the staff to truly understand what happened."
Waiting on on orders of the Burritoes of Death Yuri chimed in-"And you remember what he did to me on the way home?"
Of course i did. Even though the scar was small it still was the most prevalent feature on Yuri's face. He was very fortunate for that, it gave him character.
The food came and we laughed. Avery's name was mentioned because we didnt know where he was either. We specualted that they must be together living out there one common belief that they must always risk personal safety in order to make a life a little more interesting to all of us zombies.
After the first antic of Luca that I witnessed I was shocked and said "What teh fuck are you doing?"
In which he replied with a long silent grin "salt and pepper, just adding a little salt and pepper, you know...adding a touch of flavor to life."
And that was his purpose
Yuri pops his head into my room, "Is very diffeecul, maybe i had written on a piece of note paper for you"
"No need, dont trouble yourself. How did you get in here anyways?" and following under my breath "I need better locks"
We were going to lunch in honor of Luca at his favorite shit hole of a place to devour el burrito de muerte. Luca named it this after successfully elimiating three of them and then driving himself directly to the hospital. He couldnt stand up straight and was hallucinating like he had eaten three peyote buttons instead of three burritos. They popped him with some hybrid of morphine and hung him upside in a broom closet in the maternity ward and janitors and other nurses coming off of break were allowed to enter the room and kick him in the face. of course they were ordered to stop administering this treatment just as soon as he stopped hallucinating. Of course to Luca, this was all very real. Even if it didnt happen. "Fucking tarantulas man!! they came out of my palms, i felt them chewing there way out....it sounded like the ripping of an old cotton shirt into household rags...oh it was slow.....it still echoes in my head, that sound." and whenever he revisited the memory he would glance down at his palms, just for a split second. I always wondered if it was real.
Most of what I remember of Luca is blurred. One thing that sticks out is the childhood picture he had framed at his house and a duplicate was also on his mothers mantle. She thought it was adorable but most people thought it was creepy. I appreciated it because I understood.
The picture was of Luca at around 4 years of age smiling carelessly in his pajamas with built in feet. His hair is sticking up in all directions and even though the smile pushed the limits of his small face and looked like it might just crack his entire head in half horizontally there was a touch of serenity beaming out of his eyes. He was holding a Big Bird doll, the body was in his right hand and the head was in the left. He had woken up that morning and decided to decapitate it. This is waht people find creepy about the picture. But I understand Luca. He feared Big Bird from the TV and then somehow ended up with that doll. As afraid as he was he wouldnt let the fear of this thing control him. He attacked and assasinated this one symbol that created uneasy feelings. And that was Luca's personality to a tee. With other children the doll wouldve been thrown into an attic and sold at atag sale. He wouldnt let the fucking bird getaway that easy. And as long as ive known him he never had a problem admitting fear, because when he did, you can be sure taht whatever had created that feeling would soon cease to exist.
Upon our arrival Yuri slams his car door and catches the seatbelt in the door. It lays open and I notice it as we make our way into this dive restaurant. I mention this to which he replies"Fucked it! i leave the keys inside too. I wish someone could just decide to take, then i can get a new car"
As we sat in at the table closest to the kitchen I asked "Do you know anything about what happened?"
"All i have been told is that he is presumed death" pursing his lips tightly and then nervous fidgetting and grabbing a napkin to tear into a million tiny shreds.
"He probably is" i said an looked up and hailed the waitress.
I shared with Yuri one of the funniest memories of Luca; Late afternoon one spring day when we were all completely comforatble with our boredom Luca reaches into his pocket and pulls out the "rising sun" headband. Almost identical to the one worn by Ralph Machio in "The Karate Kid" He put it on and I could tell taht he instantly felt like a master of martial arts. A moment later he flicked a pill off of his thumb nail and while it was airborn directly above his head whipped out his pocket knife and opened it. Just as the blade clicked open his left hand snagged the pill out of the air and he slammed it on the table. Using the flat side of the blade he crushed it in one shot withthe aid of his left hand fist slamming down on the blade almost breaking the table. Then scooping up the contents and going directly to his right nostril. Minutes later he stood up and caught himself in the mirror andwas shocked to see this headband on his head. He said, "I must start my training" and ran directly out the front door onto the beach and ran straight for one of the wooden columns that stood out of the water at low tide. I followed outside because there was no way I was going to miss this. Bythe time i got out there he was on the wooden column/post. and yes, in the crane kick position, arms up and curved like a seagull catching a wicked updraft and one leg up creating a perfect 90 degree angle. He was excited to show me what he had learned in this 40-60 seconds of training he had before i came out. As he executed the crane kick his left foot came down, losts its grip which sent him sharply sideways and causing his left arm to take all of his body weight ont this pillar. and flopped into the water like a sedated downs syndrome boy. He floated on his back and I said "Look at you, you dumb fuck...Im not saving you, you better hope the coast guard rolls by." without missing a beat he says "my wrist is cracked in a few places...leave me, the tide will wash me ashore eventually! give me a cigarette, thats all i ask!" and belted it out like a falsely imprisoned man demanding justice through an appeal taht never really had any confidence in his attorney.....
Luca did eventually wash ashore some time later. We watched from the beach as the tide pushed him back and forth in a steady rythym. As he rolled over on the sand he used his good wrist to lift himself erect. He trotted up to myself and Yuri and said "that took forever, I thought i was.....Holy shit!!! I hate pitbulls!! get them away!!!" and he moved behind me, it was safe to say the mescaline had kciked in. I told him we need to go the hospital to get his arm set in a cast and asked him if he wanted to take off the headband to which he replied "No, I need the staff to truly understand what happened."
Waiting on on orders of the Burritoes of Death Yuri chimed in-"And you remember what he did to me on the way home?"
Of course i did. Even though the scar was small it still was the most prevalent feature on Yuri's face. He was very fortunate for that, it gave him character.
The food came and we laughed. Avery's name was mentioned because we didnt know where he was either. We specualted that they must be together living out there one common belief that they must always risk personal safety in order to make a life a little more interesting to all of us zombies.
After the first antic of Luca that I witnessed I was shocked and said "What teh fuck are you doing?"
In which he replied with a long silent grin "salt and pepper, just adding a little salt and pepper, you know...adding a touch of flavor to life."
And that was his purpose
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
